Finding love is one of the most sought after experiences in life. A few years ago we surveyed our Stillness Tribe to find out what they are looking for most. This is how they responded:
1. Loving Relationships
3. Life Purpose
It seemed that if we find a love in a relationship, if we find wealth, if we find a life purpose, THEN we will be happy.
If the one thing we are mostly looking for in our life is a relationship, then why are relationships the source of so much frustration and suffering? Romance and relationships are one of the greatest causes of suffering on the planet. It creates some of the deepest wounds that for many can take years if not a lifetime to heal. For some, these wounds can leave permanent scars. And that’s for those that find a relationship, then there is the frustration of those that have been looking and still can’t find one. Swiping left, swiping right, seeking, seeking, and yet to no avail! Ugh! Damned if you do find it and damned if you don’t!
Ok I’m giving relationships a bad wrap, which is totally unfair. It’s not relationships that are the problem; it’s the perspective of what a relationship is that causes the problem. Often love and relationships can get confused as the same thing yet love and relationships are two very different things. A relationship is a container that we put between two people, and what we put in the container determines the quality of the relationship. Where as love is what you feel within yourself. Love isn’t the relationship. We can feel love in a relationship, we can feel love outside of a relationship. We can feel NO love in a relationship, and we can feel NO love outside of a relationship.
When we rely on the relationship as the seeming source of love, then we are putting our hope into something that is a big variable. Relationships can change from day to day, moment to moment. All it takes is a different viewpoint on how to parent a child, on which route to take to the in-laws for dinner, what emotional state you are both in or even whether to slice an onion in rings or segments!! (Yes we have even had disagreements about this!) Relationships are tricky things. They thrive on unity and become fractured by disunity. They are complicated and due to their relative nature, they are polarising. That is, they will bring you the best of times and worst of times (and this could be within the one week or even a day!)
Where as love isn’t polarising. Love isn’t variable. Love doesn’t have positive and negative charge to it. Love is simply love. Love is neither good nor bad. Love has no pain, love is fearless, love is pure and love can never be damaged. So why is there so much angst and suffering around love? When we separate love and relationships as two different things then we are starting to get it. Relationships aren’t the source of love, they are the outlets for our love. Love is what we put INTO the container.
So where do we find love…look within. Love is our essence. It’s the very core of who we are. Love is the subtlest aspect of our being. As Anita Moorjani, author of Dying To Be Me said: “I knew that was really the only purpose of life: to be our self, live our truth, and be the love that we are.”
Why is love so hard to find? Because we are seeking it in relationships when it’s not there. Finding love requires turning our gaze inward, deep through the layers of the ego to our fiery heart centre within. It’s there, always there, whether there is a relationship container or not. And yes it’s hard to find at times. When you do find this unlimited source of love then we have something to pour into that container and fill it up with. Imagine pouring unlimited love into that container instead of your stress, your angst, your regrets, your unworthiness, your anger and shame? What happens then to the relationship? Voila! It changes completely! My high school motto at St Gregory’s College was Quae Seminaveris Metes which translated from the Latin means, ‘You will reap what you sow’. Put love in and see what you inspire in the relationship.