10 Tips For Better Relationships

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I worked for my previous employer for 26 years. Yup! One company for 26 years! Insane or smart it’s open to discussion.

Now that might seem ridiculous but most of my colleagues there were also employees for 20-25 years. We are talking about a money broker (like stock broker) company that employed young staff straight out of uni and even some straight out of school. So how did a company in finance manage to keep its staff for so long? What kept us from leaving to go somewhere else?

I believe they had a philosophy that should not only be embraced by companies all over the world, but also anyone with personal relationships.

Here’s why I think they had the keys to creating better relationships.

Recently I had a coaching client come to me in a state of disarray. He ran a real estate business and he had just had 6 staff members leave his company to go to another company. He couldn’t believe it, he was shattered. Partly because his revenues took a hammering and partly because his ego took a hammering. 

I asked him, “Were you offering them the BEST option available in the industry?” He looked at me dumbfounded.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“Well, if your place of employment offered the best option for anyone wanting to be in real estate, then they would have no option but to stay with you. There would be nowhere else to go. They obviously left for one reason only, there was a better option.”

I have to give it to ICAP, my previous employer. They knew:

  1. That their bottom line was a result of good staff.
  2. You need to keep good staff.

It’s a simple formula. It’s really not complicated. So they did everything they could to keep their staff. Here are some of the added incentives this company laid out for us:

– A full time chef who made us breakfast and lunch

– Shower facilities with fresh white fluffy towels every day

– Personal trainers twice a week

– Team building weekends away

– Partner dinners for our extended family

– A family Christmas day for client and staff families

– A percentage share in profits paid to us quarterly in bonuses

Yes, other companies approached us all the time. And when you sit down with that ‘other’ company and discuss what they are offering, you weigh up not only the benefits that your existing company is offering you, but also the loyalty you feel to your company for their investment and goodwill in you. It became a no-brainer, and why myself, along with most other employees, stayed there for so long. 

The company I was with was the best option…. full stop.

How can this translate to personal relationships? 

Ask yourself, “Am I the best option for this person?” Or, “Can they get a better ‘deal’ elsewhere?” 

Sounds very technical and business-like doesn’t it, but again it can be quite simple. 

If someone doesn’t want to be with you, ask yourself “Why don’t they want to be with me?” 

It might be a misalignment in values or differences in lifestyles as people change and not always at the same rate. 

But it might be that you’re not offering them a very good deal. If that’s the case, what can you do to sweeten the deal? 

So rather than throwing in quarterly bonuses and some new fluffy white towels in the linen cupboard, here are some other ideas to help you be the best option for them:

  1. Be kind and caring about their well-being
  2. Be supportive in their life and encourage them with their goals
  3. Contribute financially where possible
  4. Be openly communicative, so they don’t have to always second guess what you’re thinking
  5. Bring lots of fun and laughter to their life
  6. Inspire them with new knowledge that you are discovering in your own journey
  7. Give them independence and personal freedom so they don’t feel caged
  8. Contribute to the workload around the home
  9. Be affectionate, passionate and tender
  10. Be accepting of their flaws weakness and vulnerabilities

These are just some suggestions that could help you be the best available option for them. There will be plenty more and I’d love to hear any other suggestions that you might have so please connect with me on Facebook or Instagram. I would love to hear from you. 

If they still want to go to another company or person when you feel you have offered the best option, then there are obviously other factors at play. But start by looking within and asking yourself if you are doing everything you can to be the best option for them.

Have you considered treating yourself and a partner to a retreat?

Our retreats are a powerful way to not only restore balance to your mind and body, but also a way to get clear about your future. 

You will eat incredibly healthy food, meditate, do yoga, receive massages and get lots of much needed rest in peaceful locations. In amongst this you will do workshops and talks that will help you map out your future and learn techniques that will help you make this become a  reality. 

These mind mapping exercises will help you overcome deep limiting beliefs that hold you back from reaching your potential. Attendees in the past have said:

 

“I can honestly say that my time at the retreat was the most rewarding and insightful experience ever. It fed my heart, soul and spirit and has allowed me to move forward in my life with great positivity. I feel blessed and totally inspired. Meditation is now a priority in my daily life.”

– Caroline

 

“The words life changing, inspired, excited, blissful, are only a few of the words that come to mind. I feel lighter and more at peace than I can ever remember feeling. I am free. So amazingly, liberatingly free! Free of expectations and limitations. Free of my past. Free of negative emotions such as hurt, pain, anger, guilt. Free of fear which held me back, and free of that little voice inside my head which kept telling me I wasn’t good enough. Look out world, I’m finally free to be me, the truest, purest version of myself and that version is pretty Goddam amazing!”

– Sandra

Find out more about our retreats by clicking here

How To Bring Back The Love On Valentine’s Day

Today is Valentine’s Day, a global day of celebration for love. Although for many people, whether they get a big bunch of flowers, chocolates or fancy dinners or not, feeling love simply won’t happen today.

There’s one big barrier to feeling love….FEAR. Having spent a lot of my life in some state of fear or anxiety I know all too well that the feelings of fear and love cannot co-exist simultaneously. We may feel one, or the other, but not both at the same time. We can have the most wonderful partner in our life but if we are in a state of fear or anxiety, then love will be absent and a feeling of disconnect will take over.

It’s a remarkable design of the body to protect us from dangerous situations. Our body’s primary objective over everything else is survival. If we are faced with a marauding tribe or a sabre tooth higher on the open plains, our body would immediately shift into sympathetic nervous system state. This would change the brain functionality from the frontal lobe of creativity and intuition into the survival mode of reptilian brain. Our breathing would change, our pulse would beat faster and our blood sugar levels would increase. But more importantly, our biochemistry would change. Our body will start pumping cortisol, adrenaline and norepinephrine into the blood and cut out any release of melatonin, serotonin and oxytocin. Oxytocin is the biochemical responsible for generating the sensations of love, empathy and kindness. When faced with a dangerous situation that may require you to fight or flee, the sensations of kindness, empathy and love are not going to be very useful at this point so for efficiency, the body shuts down any release of these biochemicals.

This is all well and good on the wild plains 10,000 years ago however in our nice comfortable and safe environment of modern day society, this extreme stress response doesn’t have the same requirements. I’m noticing ever increasing levels of anxiety, overwhelm and stress in the world today. With this will come reduced levels of empathy, love and kindness. This is a big price to pay, for a society without love empathy and kindness is not a society I’d like to contemplate too much.

There is a distinct correlation to feeling fear and egotism, ie. our attention being centred directly on ourselves. Anxiety and fear is all about the ‘I’, the ego. It’s extreme narcissism and when you are in that state of anxiety and panic, it’s very difficult to switch over to feeling love and kindness for others. In that state the ego demands all of our attention and everyone else’s needs get ignored. We shift from feeling part of a community, with the ability to feel connectedness with others, to being self-centred and self-obsessed. Anxiety and fear wreak havoc on our relationships, depriving the vessel of it’s most essential ingredient for it to flourish….LOVE. If even someone is showing us levels of love, in this state we are unable to feel it or acknowledge it.

There is a way to change this and it’s not by trying to feel love. That simply won’t work. Something has to happen before love enters the picture. We have to shift out of the sympathetic nervous system state to reduce fear and anxiety, so that oxytocin can be produced and love can prevail. If we want happy healthy loving relationships then we have to eradicate fear first. Sounds simple I know, however it does require some steps which I have listed here that can help reduce fear and anxiety in the body.

1. Twice a day meditation. When we quiet the mind, we move the body out of the hyper stimulated state of sympathetic nervous system state and into parasympathetic nervous system where the reversal of SNS occurs. The body spontaneously will produce more serotonin, melatonin and oxytocin in that quiet state. The challenge is that when we are stressed and anxious, sitting still in meditation can be quite difficult which leads me to the next step

2. Physical exercise. Work out, get up a sweat and burn off some of the cortisol! Sitting in a chair all day or slothing on the sofa aint going to cut it…you have to release those biochemicals that are expecting you to run from danger or fight your way out of it.

3. Re-wire your brain. Sounds like a complex process but really it means change the way you think. Our minds can default to fear based thoughts vey easily…mine certainly has a tendency to do this and so I’ve spent many years working on recoding my mind to think differently. Anxiety and fear is our mind distorting our currently reality and creating a fantasy world of future scenarios that aren’t real. So observing the mind and catching it before it leaps forward in to fear based fantasy land is key to being calm. As Eckhart Tolle says: “All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence.”

4. Connect with Being. This comes back to point one. In deep meditation we surrender our individual status and transcend all forms and phenomenon. WE become one with presence and pure awareness. We simply are. Amness. Being. Self. No story, no drama, no future, no past. In Being we become one with unconditional love. We discover we are love. It shines out of us. The ego or small self fades and what fades with it are all of its fear based sensations and thoughts. As Anita Moorjani said in her book ‘Dying To Be Me’: “I knew that was really the only purpose of life: to be the love that we are.”

Love is our essence and fear will hijack it from you. It’s like a thief that sneaks in and steals it from you and from your relationships. To reconnect to our lovingness, we have to remove fear first. Less fear more love. That sounds like a much nicer world doesn’t it? Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

 

Tom is a meditation teacher, author, corporate speaker and personal coach. He provides group coaching through his Zen Academy for Transformational Leadership. To find out more about joining this global community click here.

How To Find Love And Thriving Relationships

love handsFinding love is one of the most sought after experiences in life. A few years ago we surveyed our Stillness Tribe to find out what they are looking for most. This is how they responded:
1. Loving Relationships
2. Wealth
3. Life Purpose
4. Happiness
It seemed that if we find a love in a relationship, if we find wealth, if we find a life purpose, THEN we will be happy.

If the one thing we are mostly looking for in our life is a relationship, then why are relationships the source of so much frustration and suffering? Romance and relationships are one of the greatest causes of suffering on the planet. It creates some of the deepest wounds that for many can take years if not a lifetime to heal. For some, these wounds can leave permanent scars. And that’s for those that find a relationship, then there is the frustration of those that have been looking and still can’t find one. Swiping left, swiping right, seeking, seeking, and yet to no avail! Ugh! Damned if you do find it and damned if you don’t!

Ok I’m giving relationships a bad wrap, which is totally unfair. It’s not relationships that are the problem; it’s the perspective of what a relationship is that causes the problem. Often love and relationships can get confused as the same thing yet love and relationships are two very different things. A relationship is a container that we put between two people, and what we put in the container determines the quality of the relationship. Where as love is what you feel within yourself. Love isn’t the relationship. We can feel love in a relationship, we can feel love outside of a relationship. We can feel NO love in a relationship, and we can feel NO love outside of a relationship.

When we rely on the relationship as the seeming source of love, then we are putting our hope into something that is a big variable. Relationships can change from day to day, moment to moment. All it takes is a different viewpoint on how to parent a child, on which route to take to the in-laws for dinner, what emotional state you are both in or even whether to slice an onion in rings or segments!! (Yes we have even had disagreements about this!) Relationships are tricky things. They thrive on unity and become fractured by disunity. They are complicated and due to their relative nature, they are polarising. That is, they will bring you the best of times and worst of times (and this could be within the one week or even a day!)

Where as love isn’t polarising. Love isn’t variable. Love doesn’t have positive and negative charge to it. Love is simply love. Love is neither good nor bad. Love has no pain, love is fearless, love is pure and love can never be damaged. So why is there so much angst and suffering around love? When we separate love and relationships as two different things then we are starting to get it. Relationships aren’t the source of love, they are the outlets for our love. Love is what we put INTO the container.

So where do we find love…look within. Love is our essence. It’s the very core of who we are. Love is the subtlest aspect of our being. As Anita Moorjani, author of Dying To Be Me said: “I knew that was really the only purpose of life: to be our self, live our truth, and be the love that we are.”

Why is love so hard to find? Because we are seeking it in relationships when it’s not there. Finding love requires turning our gaze inward, deep through the layers of the ego to our fiery heart centre within. It’s there, always there, whether there is a relationship container or not. And yes it’s hard to find at times. When you do find this unlimited source of love then we have something to pour into that container and fill it up with. Imagine pouring unlimited love into that container instead of your stress, your angst, your regrets, your unworthiness, your anger and shame? What happens then to the relationship? Voila! It changes completely! My high school motto at St Gregory’s College was Quae Seminaveris Metes which translated from the Latin means, ‘You will reap what you sow’. Put love in and see what you inspire in the relationship.

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The Empowerment Series consists of 3 one hour power-packed audios on Finding Love, Manifesting Abundance and Discovering Your Life Purpose. You will not only receive the three downloadable audios, but also get the ebook versions and a companion book to capture those big nuggets of gold that will transform your life.
The Empowerment Series has been empowering and elevating people all over the world with comments like Susana who said:
“I wanted to express my gratitude to you as you have open a door to something I have been trying to reach for a long time: Myself, my inner strength. Your empowerment series talked straight to my heart and inspired me to be love. So thank you, thank you, thank you for all your hard work and for putting all that knowledge in such a beautiful and simple way.”
And then Joseph D said “The possibility of loving yourself unconditionally, creating abundance and understanding your life purpose has been brought to life through the empowerment series. Congratulations Tom, the world needs to hear this.”

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The Key To Manifesting Love

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  – Rumi

Rumi was perhaps one of the greatest poets writing on love that this world has ever seen. And although he lived in the thirteenth century, his words are still incredibly apt today. When it comes to love and soul mates, it’s as simple as your beliefs. If you’re single and you think that you will never meet anyone, you never will. Or, you’ll meet people who reflect your own negative attitude towards love. But if you’re single and you believe that the person you are meant to be with is out there and you will meet him or her when the time is right, then that’s how things will happen for you. Manifesting love is like manifesting anything else – you have to put out what you want to receive from the universe.

Defeating Beliefs
Let’s look at this idea in further detail. According to the Law of Attraction, the people and things that we draw towards us throughout life reflect the vibrations that what we send out. That means that people who are single and want to meet someone or people who constantly seem to attract the wrong person are sending out messages that create those situations. Think about the following commonly-held love beliefs:

  • “I’m not complete without love.”
  • “I want to find my soul mate.”
  • “My partner doesn’t value me.”
  • “I will never meet someone.”
  • “Something is missing in my life.”

We’re conditioned to think this way about love, and to feel as though we aren’t whole until the time we are married or have met our “soul mates.” But this thinking is harmful and unfortunately, it’s not going to help anyone find love. The good news is that you can change the way that you think about love and relationships in order to attract love with the right person.

Step 1: Love Yourself
The way to go about doing it is simple, but it might involve a few changes in the way you see yourself. Essentially, you need to figure out how to be ‘in love’ with yourself and fully comfortable with yourself before you can do the same with anyone else. Emotional baggage, neediness, insecurities, and hurt feelings can only contribute to a relationship that reflects those states of being. Overcoming all of these obstacles on your own is the first step towards manifesting love.

Step 2: Change the Way You See Relationships
Ask yourself what you want to get out of a relationship. Then, recognize which relationship goals are selfish or shallow and which aren’t. For instance, do you want to be married because all your friends are married? Do you want to find someone to be with so that you don’t have to be alone? Or, are you looking for a “better half” who will “complete you?” You need to realize that you’re never going to attract the right relationship if you have these beliefs about relationships. Instead, you should see having a relationship with someone as a chance to grow and challenge yourself as a person. When you’re with the right person your life will inevitably be enriched by that person.

Step 3: Enjoy the Waiting
When you have the right attitude towards yourself and relationships, you don’t have a sense of impatience or urgency to find your soul mate. You trust that the person you are meant to be with is already yours and you will meet him or her when the time is right. That means living as though you are already in love and enjoying the wait for that person to enter your life. You should try to relish the waiting period.

If you want to change the way you love and are loved in return, click here now:

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Gratitude Affirmations You Can Use Today


When was the last time you said some gratitude affirmations? It’s rare that we express gratitude for all of the things that we are blessed with. At times it may seem as though you don’t have much to be thankful for – especially if you’re going through a rough phase or a difficult period in your life. It’s all too easy to get caught up in negative feelings and end up forgetting all of the blessings that you have.

Here’s a simple illustration of just how many things we take for granted. If you’re reading this blog right now, you have eyesight and you can read – those are two amazing blessings right there! You have a computer (or access to a computer) and can also use the internet. Think of how great it is to have internet even! Just think of all the positive things the internet can help you do. Not only can you use it to connect with friends and family, but there’s more information on the internet than a person could consume in a lifetime!

Now, could you imagine your life without all of these simple things? We all take them for granted each and every day. Imagining your life without these things, or actually doing without them for a period of time, can help you to realize just how great you have it in life.

When you start to realize just how lucky you are to have all that you have, you can start to really express gratitude. And when you do express gratitude on a regular basis, you move towards feeling content with yourself and your life, and not always looking for “more moremore” as we tend to do. The attitude of gratitude is a truly powerful tool if you’re looking to find happiness.

Expressing Gratitude through Stillness
The Stillness Movement is a shift towards grateful thinking. By making your mind Still, you enable yourself to get rid of all of those defeating thoughts that stand in the way of your happiness. Stillness meditation can help you to filter worries, anxieties, doubts, and uncertainties from your mind and without these harmful thoughts you can learn to be thankful for what you have. The mental clarity and peace of mind that is possible in just one Stillness Session has the power to transform your life and your attitude.

Affirming Gratitude
You can use gratitude affirmations to jumpstart your own new grateful lease on life. By repeating one or more of the following affirmations on a regular basis, or even writing your own as they will pertain to your own life, you can begin to witness just how blessed you are.

HEALTH & WELLNESS
I am so blessed to be in good health.
I appreciate my body and all it does for me every day.
I am so grateful to be alive.

RELATIONSHIPS
I am thankful to have met my partner, someone who enriches my life.
I am blessed to have a family of people who care for me.
I am grateful for my friends, because they support me, understand me, and appreciate me no matter what.

CAREER & SUCCESS
I am blessed to be able to work at what I love.
I am thankful to have the capability to learn new skills and improve myself.
I am thankful for the abundance and wealth that I have been given.

EMOTIONS
I appreciate my emotions.
I am grateful for all of the experiences I have had in my life, because each one has taught me sometime.
I am thankful for each moment of happiness in my life.

MIND
I am forever grateful for a mind that is receptive and open to new ideas and new learning experiences.
I am grateful that I have the ability to choose what I want and make it happen in life.
I am appreciative for my inner voice and sense of intuition.

What are you thankful for? The next time you want to use gratitude affirmations, why not try writing some of your own, for the unique blessings that you experience in your life. To empower you through this process you might like to have access to The Empowerment Series, which is comprises of rich insights into Manifesting Abundance, finding your Life Purpose and Discovering Love. Find out more about this by clicking below.

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